I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
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Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Ok, but like, how married are you?
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.