AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
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I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”