who did the taste test?
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the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.