My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
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I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
the prophecies have been fulfilled
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Shower sex be like:
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
“no gods no masters” = leo
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot