Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
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People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
True freaking story!
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Breaking news:
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.