Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
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I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Proofread twice, hang posters once
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Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
A duv-egg? In this economy?
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Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.