Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
You Might Also Like
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long