I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
You Might Also Like
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
the way this pissed me off… 😭
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Every BBC series about the universe.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]