Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
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GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Who called it baking and not making love
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss