How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
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*Seductively hides in the woods
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Anime is real
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.