You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
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Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.