My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
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If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right