The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
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My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.