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I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”