my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
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So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.