Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
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“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many