[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
You Might Also Like
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more