What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
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Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
The answer is funnier than the question
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.