Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
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Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
A Short Story.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Love this one 😂🧟
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast