There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
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5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.