My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
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A friend helps you before you need it
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.