I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
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Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
But that’s none of my business
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Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Me in tagged photos
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I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
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Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.