Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.