Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

i can’t wait that long

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!

ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: But i thought we were happy

Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me

Me: You leave eclair bear out of this

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

LOOOOOOL

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

christening a ship with an overripe banana

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.