I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
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temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend