Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
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I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Where is your GOD now????
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
the #horror is real!
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Simple
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.