How did the first person to read learn how to read?
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I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now