[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
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After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Cannot stop laughing at this
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.