Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
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My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one