Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
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“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
The Backseat Boys
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Not today. 😅
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.