“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”

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To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”


Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes


6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower


Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them


Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.


SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!


When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?


the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂


95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.