@fro_vo

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”

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@DothTheDoth

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

@Bob_Janke

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

@Chhapiness

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

@shopkins776

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

@coalslag

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

@tastefactory

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

@JaymayAllDay

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

@preawsaurus

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂

@davepell

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.