“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
You Might Also Like
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it