If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
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MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*