Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
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Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
A leaf blower, but for people.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
#parenting