The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
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Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Google assistant rules
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
April 1st is the class clown of days.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.