At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
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My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up