doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
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Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Me trying to walk in a dream
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.