Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
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Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school