Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
You Might Also Like
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Covid like
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Good point.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.