Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
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“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.