I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
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*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
This has made my week.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early