*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
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Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!