Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
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My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem