Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
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I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
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Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”