Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
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Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
No, he would not have.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.