Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!

♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

Ah..makes sense now