8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
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Happy Friday
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The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
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Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.