8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
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It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Natty or not?
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*