8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
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Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
CRYING
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What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
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I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
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The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers