8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
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Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
CRYING
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers