Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
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Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
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Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
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I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
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me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
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How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go