mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
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If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”