Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
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9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
two people or more is called a problem
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
😂😂😂
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase