nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
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I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
bad
worse
worst
worchester
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Golf would be better with landmines.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.