The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
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“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
You wish you had this many chins.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.