My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
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*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.