Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
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Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
I am a gravy boat captain
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.