stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
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Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.