Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
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[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.