My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
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Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Seems kinda suspicious